A Clump of Hair In My Drain

Are these signs of aging? I don’t think so

First of all, no — I’m not going to tell you how old I am. Secondly, I am not getting old. Third…I can’t remember what the third thing was.

These are signs that, for some people, might indicate that they are advancing in years and going through changes that are inevitable. For me, they are just temporary.

Why isn’t the water going down the drain?

Oh! There’s hair in it… A lot of hair. That’s not my hair. Some of it’s white. Who’s been in my tub? Yes, it’s the same length as the others, but that’s not my hair. Old people have white hair. I’m not old.

It’s not my hair.

Why is my phone so blurry when I hold it close to my face? The lighting in here is terrible. Maybe I need LED bulbs. Maybe I should turn down the brightness on my phone screen. Why do I have to hold it so far away? My arm isn’t long enough. It’s not like I need glasses. I don’t need glasses. I’ve had perfect vision all of my life; why would I suddenly need glasses? Glasses are for old people. I’m not old.

I don’t need glasses.

Why is my knee creaking and popping? My legs seem stiff when I get up. Something must be wrong. This kind of stuff doesn’t just…happen. These sound like things that happen when people get old. I’m still young. I won’t go to the doctor, because it’s temporary. I probably need to exercise more. The only thing is, I get tired more easily and I can’t run for as long as I used to. Oh well, exercise is boring anyway.

It’s just a phase; it’ll go away.

Why did I come into this room? I know I came in here to get something.
What was it? I’m looking around the room. I don’t see anything on the bookshelf that I would need. Boxes, tubs, a desk… What was it? Damn. Maybe if I go back to the living room I’ll remember. It’s just a few yards away. How can I not remember why I came in here?!

I’m just distracted.

Why are these TikTokkers getting so many views and followers? They don’t even DO anything. Sure, they’re young, fit, and attractive, but all they’re doing is lip-syncing while they’re dancing. How are they making so much money? It’s pointless! TikTok is not for young people; it’s for stupid people. That’s something my dad would say. He’s usually wrong, but maybe this time he’s not so far off-base.

TikTok…pshhh!

“Why’s it so cold in here, Uncle Brandon?” Are you paying the electric bill? I didn’t think so. Put on a jacket. And by the way, I can tell you what’s in the fridge. You don’t have to stand there with the door open, searching for something. Oh, you wanna watch something on Disney+? I don’t have Disney f***ing Plus! Paramount+, Netflix, Amazon Prime, YouTube TV, AppleTV — You think I’m gonna pay for all those different streaming services? That’s how they getcha! “Who’s ‘they’?” Oh, be quiet and turn on the news.

Do they think I’ve got money like Elon Musk?

Kids today.

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*Originally published on Medium.