What Happens When Your Favorite Literary Characters Post Help Wanted Ads?

One of these jobs may not make you a headliner, but you’ll be “famous-adjacent”

Do you recognize the classic novels associated with these ads?

WANTED: Sitter for Lunatic Wife

Need position filled ASAP!

No prior experience or education is required, though past dog sitting may prove helpful. Previous work as an exorcist’s assistant automatically lands an interview. Must be at least 18 years of age, strong in mind and body, and unsympathetic.

Duties include:

• Feeding
• Changing chamber pot
• Occasional cleaning of the secret room
• Washing clothing and bed linens

Wife usually doesn’t bite, but don’t put it past her. Ignore pleas for help unless you smell smoke. Don’t listen to anything she says, as she’s a lunatic and cannot be believed. If you cannot ignore her cries, wear earplugs.

Discretion is a must. If anyone asks about voices from the attic, tell them it’s haunted.

No drinking on the job!

Pay: Free room and board in a beautiful mansion, plus 30 pounds per annum.

Send letter of intent to:

Edward Rochester,
Thornfield Hall

Wanted: Farm Animals

Farmer needs to replenish his stock of animals for a new farm. Sheep, horses, geese, cows, chickens, and dogs are all needed.

Requirements for animals:

• Must be illiterate
• No leadership or organizational skills
• No drinking alcohol
• NO PIGS!

Contact:

Mr. Jones
New Manor Farm, England

WANTED: Roommate/Detective’s Assistant

Must be well-educated. An advanced degree in the medical field or psychology is required. However, you must at least appear to be less knowledgeable than the detective himself. No showboating.

Duties include:

• Accompanying detective on any and all cases
• Asking questions to which you may or may not know the answer
• Confirming the detective’s brilliance when discovering clues

Pay: The satisfaction of working with the world’s leading sleuth

Apply in person:

Sherlock Holmes
221B Baker Street
London, England

Wanted: Travel Companion

Brave and reliable travel partner/bodyguard needed for journey to Mount Doom in Mordor. No previous experience is required, but swordsmanship is preferred.

Must not have a fear of:

• Orcs
• Giant spiders
• Goblins
• Ringwraiths and other ghosts or undead creatures
• Death

Package delivery is of utmost importance.

Payment:

Gold, jewels, and notoriety throughout all of Middle Earth

Reply to:

Frodo Baggins
Bag End
Hobbiton, Shire

Originally published on November 29, 2023 in Funny, Inc. on Medium.