Thanksgiving’s Revenge Is a Dish Best Served at 400 Degrees

We abused Thanksgiving long enough

Originally published in Contemplate

You may have seen previews or even watched the movie Thanksgiving, about a weird-looking pilgrim on a murderous rampage. That may appear more like a documentary to many Native Americans, but that’s another topic. What you’re about to read here is more frightening than a hatchet-wielding man with a buckle on his hat.

Can We Still Call It Pizza?

I remember a time during my childhood when I first heard of a breakfast pizza. It contains sausage, eggs, cheese, and white gravy instead of marinara. It all goes together, so it wasn’t much of a stretch to incorporate it into your breakfast routine. Calling it a pizza might have been difficult to digest, but it’s still around today, so apparently, people like it.

Then, along came Mexican pizza. This is one of my favorites. It’s also a slap in the face of Mexicans and Italians.

Someone — probably Martha Stewart — came up with the dessert or fruit pizza. The first one I ever had was from Godfather’s Pizza — apple strudel, I think. It’s apple pie filling spread on a pizza crust, topped with brown sugar and oatmeal, drizzled with icing. I can’t say anything bad about this one.

I held my tongue when I heard about people putting pineapple and ham on a pizza. I thought it was a little odd, but I was willing to try it. Turns out it’s not so bad.

Some people are adamant that pineapple shouldn’t find itself on a pizza. If you’re one of those people, I hope you took your blood pressure medicine this morning because you’re about to have a conniption.

A Ruined Holiday

Families ruined Thanksgiving. They now use this time of togetherness as an amphitheater while they stand on their soapboxes, spewing their political opinions as facts.

Aunts ask their nephews how much money they make and inform them that writing isn’t a real job. During the pre-dinner prayer, mothers subtly slip in a request for their gay sons to find a nice girl to settle down with finally. Fathers insist that everyone tries his oyster dressing. What, that doesn’t happen in every family? My mistake.

The point is that this is now a dreaded holiday where feelings of guilt, obligation, and resentment abound. Well, Thanksgiving had enough and decided to take revenge by striking back at selfish American families through their favorite food — pizza.

Enter stage left: DiGiorno’s Thanksgiving Pizza. Though much of this article is satirical, I’m sorry to tell you this is real. If you decide to continue reading, please don’t sue me for the cost of your electronic device after you barf all over it.

Are you ready for it? I don’t think you are. I’ll give you a moment…

The delectable toppings of this pizza include all your favorites: turkey, creamy gravy sauce, green beans, diced sweet potatoes, cranberries (had enough?), crispy onions, and two kinds of cheeses. After all, what’s a Thanksgiving dinner without mozzarella and cheddar cheese sprinkled all over the top?

I visited the company’s website, and unfortunately(?), it’s currently sold out. I’m sorry — or you’re welcome.

If you can get your hands on one of these frozen fiascos, it may be exactly what you need. Serve it at your Thanksgiving table this year, and your rotten relatives may never come back.

The Future of Thanksgiving — and Pizza — is in Jeopardy

As long as we disrespect Thanksgiving, it will continue to come after us. Don’t be surprised to see Blue Bunny Thanksgiving ice cream in a freezer near you.

We need to take serious measures to put Thanksgiving back in its place. Write your senator and other lawmakers. They need to enact a bill that limits this holiday. It needs to have a catchy title to — well, catch on. “Don’t Say Gay” gained popularity because of its rhyme, I’m sure. We can’t have that many ignorant Americans in this country, can we? Don’t answer that.

If you have a good suggestion for this new bill, let me know in the comment section. If not, we may have to revive an oldie — “Just Say No to Thanksgiving Pizza.”

And speaking of pizza, this blending of lines is getting out of hand. Should we make an Asian-style pizza next? In place of marinara, spread some oyster sauce on a crust, add some shrimp and lo mein noodles, and then throw some wontons on top. While we’re at it, let’s drizzle some teriyaki sauce over all of it. Too much? Nonsense. We haven’t even added the cheese.

This one comes with the bonus of a fortune cookie. I can already tell your fortune, though.

You will look back on this day with much regret, questioning all your life’s choices and future endeavors.

…in bed.

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think every ingredient belongs on a round, baked crust. DiGiorno and Thanksgiving need to stay in their own lanes.

It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno — and it’s DiSgusting.

---

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this post, please click the like button, leave a comment, and subscribe.